Funnies

“Judge Fancy Nancy”
Q. What was going to occur at the Chatham Bars Inn?
A. There was a Fancy Nancy party.
Q. What’s that?
A. A tea party for girls.
Q. And what was your daughter supposed to wear?
A. A fancy dress, and bring her doll, and they were having a runway show with their dolls, and they were going to have an etiquette class.
Q. Did she have to wear a tiara?
A. She probably wasn’t going to be forced to wear one, but she could have.
Q. Was there a boa?
THE COURT: What was the question? Was there a boa?
MS. SMITH: A boa.
THE COURT: I don’t even know what a boa is.
THE CLERK: You will when your
granddaughter gets a little older.

“Mature thinking”
Q. Is that the term, a mature student, when you go back to school?
A. Yes. When you go back, it’s called a mature student.
MR. JONES: As opposed to the usual immature.

“Ground rules”
Q. Do you understand all of the instructions I have just given you regarding the taking of a deposition?
A. Yes. It sounds like the ground rules my wife would lay down.

“Mutual empathy”
Q. And did you indicate to your boss that you were going to have your deposition taken this week?
A. Yes.
Q. And what did he say about that?
A. Good luck.
Q. What else did you say in that conversation?
A. I think we both looked forward to it like we would a visit to the dentist. It was mutual empathy.

“Living elsewhere”
Q. Do Mr. Ronner’s children live with him?
A. I don’t think so.
Q. Why don’t you think so?
A. Well, he died.

“Tooth Fairy gets away with it again”
Q. When you looked back after you fell, what did you see?
A. The rebar sticking out.
Q. When you saw the rebar sticking out, did you make any conclusions about what you may have tripped over?
A. Counselor, it wasn’t the Tooth Fairy; it was the rebar.

“Helpful expert witness”
Q. A person can go into a malignant arrhythmia without actually engaging in exertional activity; isn’t that true, Doctor?
A. You mean can a cardiac arrhythmia incompatible with life occur without exertional effort?
Q. That would be a beautiful way of restating my question.
A. I try to be helpful.
Q. I can tell.

“Going home”
Q. Have you understood all of my questions today?
A. Yes.
Q. Can you think of any questions you’d like me to ask you?
A. How about, “Would you like to go home now?”

“What associates really do for lawyers”
Q. Do you have any other health issues?
A. I have a back problem. I cannot carry two litigation bags anymore. It’s dangerous for me.
Q. That’s what associates are for, Attorney Smith.

“Don’t get lost”
Q. How long are the hikes that you go on?
A. They vary from two hours to four hours. If you get lost, it’s 12 hours.

“Early Alzheimer’s”
Q. How many sons do you have?
A. Two. I’m sorry, three.
MR. JONES: Don’t let them see the transcript.
THE WITNESS: I can’t believe I forgot one of them.

“Beatings”
Q. So whatever the fee is, if there’s a substantial amount due
A. Yes, we do offer payment plans.
Q. Please wait for me to finish the question. Kathryn’s going to hit one of us. I’m not sure which one, but I know I don’t want it to be me.

“Not worth much”
Q. You have a life insurance policy on your ex-husband?
A. Yes.
Q. How much is he worth?
A. He’s not worth much, in my eyes.

“Telling it like it is”
A. The guy that was going to give me my review was one of the guys I was having some problems with at work.
Q. What type of problems were you having with him?
A. There were some personal conflicts.
Q. And what were those personal conflicts?
A. The personal conflicts are I think he’s an a&$*%!# and he’s stupid and I can’t stand working for him.

“Put to death”
Q. And have either of your parents ever discussed their estate plans with you?
A. The only discussion I’ve had with my parents about anything along those lines is that they told me I’d be the executioner.
MR. JONES: I think he means executor.
MS. SMITH: I certainly hope so.

“Kind of dead”
Q. Was there some reason your friend drove that day?
A. Because my car was not running right.
Q. What was wrong with your car?
A. It kind of died.
Q. Here’s a great question: How long was it kind of dead?

“Off to the sock hop”
A. I have opted and do opt for getting paid up front.
Q. Are you going to start singing now?
A. Yes, doo-wop.

“Kindness?”
Q. Did you ever tell your wife that your father shot your cat to death when you were a young child?
A. I probably mentioned something about a sick cat being put down. And if you’re going to shoot
something, you might as well shoot it to death; right? We’re very kind people.

“Scarface”
Q. Because of the injury to your cheek and lip, has anyone ever said mean things to you, like called you scarface or anything like that?
A. Yes.
Q. Who’s called you that?
A. My girlfriend.
Q. Is that when she’s mad at you, or just fooling around?
A. Both. Good girlfriend, huh?
Q. It’s nothing compared to what mine has said to me.

“Classic denial”
Q. Do you believe that there has been a breakdown in your marriage?
A. Yes.
Q. What led to the breakdown that you believe has occurred in the marriage?
A. I don’t know.
Q. When did it begin to deteriorate?
A. At the end of 2001.
Q. And what do you say caused it to begin to deteriorate at that point in time?
A. I do not know.
Q. Do you know a woman named Jane Smith?
A. Yes.
Q. Okay. What was the nature of your relationship with Miss Smith?
A. We had an affair.
Q. And you don’t know what the reason was for the breakdown in your marriage?
A. No, I do not.

“Visit from the stark”
Q. I want to direct your attention to a night where Mr. Brooks, in the presence of other people, removed his clothes.
THE COURT: Removed his clothes, you mean stark naked?
MR. JONES: Not totally stark, just a bum-bum situation.
THE COURT: A what situation?
MR. JONES: Bum-bum.
THE COURT: Bum-bum? You mean he exposed his derriere?
THE WITNESS: And other parts.

“Strike everything”
Q. Okay. So were you aware that her gross income — move to strike. So your household income — move to strike. Forget it.
THE COURT: You don’t need to move to strike yourself.
MR. SMITH: I know.
THE COURT: You can just say “strike it.”

“Keep an eye on the reporter”
MR. SMITH: What time is it, do you know?
MR. JONES: Yes. It is two minutes after. We’ll end after this question and answer. How about that?
MR. SMITH: Okay. The witness is a little tired. I’m noticing he’s not hearing the questions as well.
MR. JONES: I think he’s as spry as ever.
MR. SMITH: Okay. Then we’ll keep going for three hours and I’ll miss my meeting.
MR. JONES: Okay. Good.
MR. SMITH: No, no. I tell you what, I’ll go to my meeting, we’ll come back at 7, and we’ll go until midnight. (Glancing at the stenographer.)
MR. SMITH: Wait, the reporter doesn’t exactly agree.
MR. JONES: You can do whatever you want, it just won’t be taken down.

“The good wife”
Q. Your husband has been working for you since 2003. Do you give him performance evaluations?
A. Yes. Probably every other day I tell him what he did wrong.

“Gimmie your card”
Q. And isn’t it the purpose of CPAs and tax preparers to reduce taxes paid as much as possible?
A. Absolutely. That’s why I’m employed.
Q. Do you have an extra business card?
A. Yes, I do. I got a bunch.
Q. Thank you.

(In opening statement from husband’s counsel):
MR. SMITH: He’s a Christian, Your Honor.
He doesn’t believe in divorce. He’d rather live a life of misery and be with Ms. Davidson, than go through what he’s going through right now. It’s the way he is.
(During husband’s testimony):
Q. This is your second marriage, isn’t it, sir?
A. Yes.
Q. How did your first marriage end?
A. In divorce.

“Lucky you”
MR. SMITH: May I just inquire? This is recross limited to the scope of redirect.
THE ARBITRATOR: Well, I don’t know if we’ve been following that rule at all up to this point.
MR. SMITH: I don’t think we’ve had recross yet.
THE ARBITRATOR: That’s true. Well, let’s hear the question.
MR. SMITH: I’m planning on doing that.
THE ARBITRATOR: Huh?
MR. SMITH: I’m planning on staying within the scope.
THE ARBITRATOR: You’re privileged, Mr. Witness, to have the first recross in this case.
THE WITNESS: I’m not even sure what that means. Maybe I’ll find out.
THE ARBITRATOR: You don’t want to know.

“You love it. I don’t.”
Q. Does Jane Smith refer to Mary as her daughter?
MR. JONES: Objection.
A. Yes, objection. Hearsay.
MR. JONES: I love it when the witness objects.

“Hasn’t everybody?”
Q. If you were to lay down next to your car, how many of your body lengths would equal the length of that car?
A. Like two and a half or three, I guess. I haven’t laid next to a car in a while.
Q. You’ve done it before?

“Just plain old”
Q. You have a 1967 Chevy Impala?
A. Yes.
Q. Is that a classic car or antique? Does it have a qualification?
A. It’s old.

“Executable offense”
(After being instructed at the beginning of the deposition to not interrupt the questions):
Q. He quoted you the $200 to tow the vehicle —
A. Uh-huh.
Q. — from the junkyard? That’s a yes?
A. Yes. Sorry.
Q. See, I told you. We all do it.
A. Guilty. Give me the chair.

“Can’t get there from here that way”
Q. You didn’t drive to Aruba, did you?
A. No.
Q. You had to take an airplane?
A. Yes.
THE COURT: I’ll take judicial notice that you can’t drive to Aruba. That’s pretty easy.

“Never heard this question before”
Q. You mentioned that you have two dogs; is that correct?
A. Yes.
Q. Did you have any human children during the marriage?

“That hurts”
Q. So if I went up to your bar tomorrow, even though I look over 21, you’d still have them ID me to get in?
A. Within reason. You know, if someone is obviously over 50 —
Q. Ouch.
MR. SMITH: How about exceptionally distinguished-looking?

“Pick your poison”
MR. SMITH: After three years of viola studies in the best conservatory in the world, the parties’ daughter said she didn’t like it anymore; she wanted to switch and become a music teacher.
THE COURT: It could be worse. She could switch and want to be a lawyer.

“Good Plan”
Q. At the time of the divorce, under what circumstances did you expect alimony would end?
A. If either of us died or if I remarried.
Q. As a result of that knowledge, what planning did you do concerning alimony and the prospect of losing it?
A. I tried not to die.
Q. That is a good plan.

“It’s a darned good start to any day!” (An 87-year-old deponent)
Q. Sir, what are your job duties?
A. Running the company.
Q. And what does that entail on a daily basis?
A. Waking up.

“No need to be so mean”
Q. What did you do to prepare for this deposition?
A. I reviewed the derogatories.
Q. Interrogatories?
A. Yes, interrogatories. Not derogatories, sorry. Interrogatories.
MR. SMITH: Depends on who’s answering.

“What’s too far?”
(Deponent lives in Massachusetts)
Q. Did you travel for business in 2013?
A. Yes.
Q. And how often did you do that?
A. Maybe couple times a year.
Q. Where did you go?
A. Never went too far.
Q. Never too far?
A. I don’t believe so.
Q. Anywhere other than New York or Rhode Island?
A. Maybe San Francisco.

“Another bum-bum situation?”
Q. Is your father a nudist?
A. No.
Q. Has he ever built a shed in just his tool belt and shoes?
A. Probably.
MS. JONES: That’s awesome.

“Not really THAT funny”
Q. Now, does Effexor or Prozac have any effect on your memory?
A. I don’t know.
Q. Okay. But you wouldn’t remember anyway; correct? That was a joke.

“Potty mouths”
A. He said that my guys were going to be able to use the bathroom in the garage. We were going to pay a price for the lot and the bathroom. Then he didn’t follow through with that because he rented out the garage so he could get more money. Ultimately, we lost the use of the bathroom, so we got a porta potty.
I chose to just keep the porta potty, rather than go back and forth on it.
MR. SMITH: There sure is a lot of potty talk at this deposition.

“Speed trap”
Q. Okay. And why was your license suspended?
A. I had three motor vehicle violations within a 12-month period.
Q. Okay.
A. I live near a speed trap.
Q. Were any three of those violations for speeding?
A. No.

“The whole truth and nothing but the truth”
Q. You have a membership at Equinox Gym?
A. Yeah.
Q. You pay $11 a week?
A. Yeah.
Q. So you’re still going to the gym?
A. Still paying for it. Not necessarily going to it.
MR. SMITH: It’s not fair to ask somebody if they go to the gym when they’re under oath.
MS. JONES: I’m so sorry.

“Watch out for the tree crossing the road”
Q. What was the nature of the accident?
A. Hit a tree with a car. Tree jumped right out in front of me.

“Where? I mean, where?”
Q. Was he ever treated at any hospital emergency rooms or as an outpatient, anything like that
during the time you knew him?
A. He had a hernia operation.
Q. Where was that?
A. What do you mean where?
Q. Which hospital?
A. Oh.

“The long way around”
Q. Why did you leave your employment at the restaurant?
A. They had a management change. They fired our head chef for no reason. They brought in a new guy who was a jerk. The hours were crazy. I just didn’t know what direction they were going in. Everybody I worked around was unhappy. Every day when you went in, no one was happy.
Q. Is that a long way of saying that you quit?
A. Yes.

“Bad with directions”
Q. You proceeded across the road?
A. (Nods head.)
Q. You have to say the answer so she can write it down. You have to give a verbal response?
A. Okay.
Q. Your answer was yes, you proceeded across the road?
A. (Nods head.)

“More potty talk”
Q. Do you know how long you had been there when you went to the bathroom?
A. No.
Q. Did anything happen when you went to the bathroom?
A. Did anything happen when I went to the bathroom?
MR. JONES: You might want to rephrase that.
Q. Were you involved in an incident on the way to the bathroom?

“Greed is good”
Q. Did your injuries from the accident have anything to do with your leaving the company?
A. No. I think I was motivated by greed.
Q. That’s a good motivator. There’s nothing wrong with that.

“A lawyer’s humor”
Q. Have you ever had a conversation with any human being regarding —
MR. JONES: Does that include lawyers?
MS. SMITH: No, by definition.
MR. JONES: I don’t mean to interject.
humor, but you were just begging for it.

“Limitations”
Q. The only limitation of motion in your right hand is you can’t completely do a closed fist?
A. Make a fist, yes. And I can’t stick up my middle finger completely.
Q. You don’t want to do that too often, do you?

“Foreign car”
Q. Was your car parked in the parking lot?
A. Yes, it was.
Q. Could you draw where your car was parked in the parking lot, making a small rectangle to represent your car?
A. (Complies.)
MS. JONES: That’s a triangle.
THE WITNESS: Oh.
MR. SMITH: He’s got a foreign car.

“Pretty picture”
Q. When does your license expire?
A. She might be able to tell you. The stenographer just looked at it.
Q. She only looks at the picture.
THE WITNESS (to stenographer): Well, thank you for not commenting on it.

“I don’t remember”
Q. Do you have any memory problems which would interfere with your ability to answer my questions today?
A. Yes, I do.
Q. What’s the nature of your memory problem?
A. I don’t remember.

“Time to say no”
Q. Your brother had a vehicle when he was down in Florida; correct?
A. I had bought him an Expedition.
Q. How did he come to now have the Hummer instead of the Expedition?
A. Well, the Expedition is in a tow yard in Florida with an outstanding tow bill. He got in an
accident and he couldn’t afford to pay the bill. I told him I wasn’t going to pay it.
Q. So they towed it and impounded it?
A. Yes.
Q. So when he moved up here, he started to use the Hummer?
A. Correct. Then he crashed the Hummer into the river.
Q. Probably not such a great idea to give him any more cars?
A. Not at all.


“No room in the office”
(The witness was asked about where several
different documents and items were.)
Q. Where is that now?
A. In my office.
Q. And where is the folder located?
A. It’s in my office.
Q. Where is the restraining order filed?
A. I have one in my office.
Q. Where is the file?
A. In my office.
Q. The ones that you retained, where are those?
A. In my office.
Q. And those are in your office?
A. That’s correct.
Q. Where is that document?
A. In my office.
Q. Where are those copies?
A. In my office.
Q. And are those transcripts in your office?
A. Yes.
Q. Where are the files now?
A. In my office.
Q. Do you have any room in your office?
A. No.
Q. The corporate files, where are those located?
A. In my office.
Q. Are you sure you have a chair in there?
A. Barely.

“When things go wrong”
Q. What was your official title when you were training?
A. We’re not big on titles.
Q. After four years, did you become the office manager?
A. Yes.
Q. Did you have an official title then?
A. Only when things went wrong.

“Either way, it hurts”
Q. Your tone changes significantly as of September 13, after the restraining order gets vacated,
doesn’t it?
A. Does it?
Q. You call him a loser?
A. Yes.
Q. Never in any of the prior emails do you castigate him like that?
A. Castrate him?
Q. Castigate?
A. Oh, castigate.

“One foot in the grave”
Q. Does your family run any funeral homes?
A. No, only nursing homes.
Q. The nursing home business is close enough.

“New term of art”
Q. Can you tell me anything more about what was said in that conversation?
A. Nothing to write home about.
MR. SMITH: We have a new evidentiary standard. I can see it now: “Your Honor, I object. That’s nothing to write home to mother about.”
MS. JONES: That’s a Massachusetts term of art.

“Dig deeper”
A. If you’re digging a foundation, you could build a berm with the dirt that would be coming out of the excavation. And if dirt isn’t available for a berm, then you would put a fence around it.
Q. When would dirt not be available after you dig a hole?
MS. JONES: That’s a great question.

“Bad choice of words”
MS. SMITH: Your Honor indicated after a period of time you would not object to the girlfriend sleeping with the husband.
THE COURT: Well, I don’t know if I could object to that or not. It’s probably outside the scope of my authority.
MS. SMITH: I’m sorry. Let me restate that. Your Honor indicated that after a period of time you may not require them to sleep in separate rooms when the children were visiting.

“Try again”
Q. What were the circumstances under which you first met Mr. Smith?
A. I was coming home from work, going up the front walk, and he was coming down the front steps.
Q. Was that a surprise to you? By that I mean, did Mary tell you she was going to be meeting with Mr. Smith, or did you see him when you first learned he was coming? That was a lousy question. I’m sorry.
MS. JONES: You know you need to rephrase when the court reporter looks like that.

“Slave labor”
Q. You said earlier that your wife gets a paycheck now?
A. Yes.
Q. How recently did that start?
A. Two or three months ago.
Q. Prior to that, she did not get a paycheck?
A. Correct.
Q. Does your wife have a title within the company?
A. Slave.
Q. Apparently.

“Obvious symptoms”
A. She showed up at the restaurant late.
Q. What was her excuse for being late?
A. She said she wasn’t feeling well.
Q. From her appearance, did she look sick?
A. Well, I can’t tell you. I can’t tell the difference between someone who looks sick or looks well.
Q. Well, was she vomiting at the table?
MS. JONES: That’s one way to tell.

“He said, she said”
MS. SMITH: Move to strike what the mother said the children told the father. She knows that he knew because the children told her that they told him.
THE COURT: You’re talking about what the children said to her about what they said to him?
MS. SMITH: Yes. She said she knows that he knows because the children told her what they told him.
MR. JONES: I’m asking her how she knew, and she’s telling us that she knew because the children told her. That’s not expressing hearsay. That’s expressing how she knew. It’s the only way she can answer that question.
MS. SMITH: It’s plain hearsay. She said the children told her something. They’re not here.
THE COURT: How else can she answer that question?
MR. JONES: I asked her if she assumed that I knew because the children told their father and their father told me. And that’s either she assumed it or she didn’t assume it. It’s straightforward.
THE COURT: I don’t know anymore.
MR. JONES: I’m sorry?
THE COURT: I can’t think anymore.

“Red Sox vs. Yankees”
Q. Do you understand that this is a deposition taken and noticed both under the federal rules as to the Hague questions, and as to all questions under the state rules? Do you understand that?
MS. SMITH: Objection. This is a Hague Convention deposition right now.
MR. JONES: Wrong.
MS. SMITH: No, you’re wrong, Mr. Jones.
MR. JONES: Please, just don’t speak. Don’t speak.
MS. SMITH: If you want to end this, we’ll end this, but stop putting your hand in my face. A-Rod was called out for something similar last night, and you’re no A-Rod.